Stop Chasing Extraordinary, Start Appreciating The Ordinary

In an attempt to find a justification for the actions they choose, some people resort to the mindset that because the majority of people act a certain way that alone makes the action okay or justified. This has been proven untrue throughout history and has been challenged by activism groups fighting for rights and liberation (animals, lgbtq, racism, feminism etc.). Having experienced this excuse during my animal rights advocacy made me think about how many others fall into this mindset but in other circumstances.

One circumstance I thought of is how we often strive to be extraordinary. Everyone else is competing for these things so I should be too—right? This constant striving for an “extraordinary” life can lead to unnecessary stress and anxiety. Exploring the ‘Benefits of Embracing Ordinary Living Instead of Extraordinary Life’ can lead to a more fulfilling and meaningful existence instead of competing with others for an extraordinary life.

The Pressure to be Extraordinary

Many societies pressure individuals (particularly adolescents) to stand out amongst their peers, achieve greatness, and be extraordinary. It’s in our academics, sports, workplace, special talents, and everyday life. The expectation from parents, peers, ourselves, and society often feels more overwhelming than we might realize. This is something that has increased throughout generations.

The consequences of encouraging a competitive culture actively contribute to mental health risks such as suicide, depression, and anxiety. But that’s not all, it also can cause straining or broken relationships, a decrease in creativity and innovation, unethical behaviour, and societal issues such as increased inequality or loss of empathy and compassion. Brene Brown wrote, “An ordinary life has become synonymous with a meaningless life”. When popularity and social status become more valuable than compassion and integrity, we can start to see many consequences.

Discussing both the problems of living an extraordinary life, and the possible solutions to help balance ordinary and extraordinary living, can do a lot of good for both ourselves and the world around us. Striving for and encouraging an ordinary life (instead of only an extraordinary life) is something I want to do more of and I think others might too.

What is an Ordinary Life?

An ordinary life is one where someone doesn’t expect or desire extraordinary achievements or fame. It’s about living a life that values everyday experiences, routines, and challenges. A typical day may not filled with dramatic events or groundbreaking discoveries, however, it can be just as fulfilling and meaningful. An ordinary life doesn’t have to be boring, and may even be just as thrilling or exciting as an extraordinary one. It’s about finding fulfillment and happiness in the everyday experiences that make up our lives.

Loving and embracing an ordinary life can even feel like a form of self-care because of the health benefits it offers. Not feeling pressured or stressed about meeting the expectations or standards of an extraordinary life can be a huge relief to those who embrace it. The definition of an ordinary life is subjective and can vary greatly depending on cultural, social, and personal perspectives. The point is, while extraordinary achievements may be celebrated, the unique characteristics of ordinary life can offer a profound sense of fulfillment, authenticity, and connection which are worth celebrating as well.

Five Characteristics of an Ordinary Life:

1. Authenticity and Genuineness – Real connections: Ordinary life often nurtures genuine relationships built on trust, empathy, and shared experiences.
2. Appreciation for the Simple Things – Mindfulness: An ordinary life often encourages a focus on the present moment, leading to a deeper appreciation for the simple joys of life.
3. Resilience and Adaptability – Overcoming challenges: Facing everyday obstacles can build resilience and the ability to adapt to changing circumstances.
4. A Sense of Community – Belonging: Ordinary life often involves a strong sense of community, providing a feeling of belonging and support.
5. Inner Peace and Fulfillment – Contentment: An ordinary life can offer a sense of contentment and peace that comes from living a simple, meaningful existence.

What is an Extraordinary Life?

An extraordinary life is typically defined by exceptional achievements, groundbreaking discoveries, or significant contributions to society. These individuals often stand out from the crowd due to their exceptional talents, hard work, perseverance, and sometimes having a bit of luck.

Examples of Extraordinary Lives:

– Scientists: Albert Einstein, Marie Curie, Stephen Hawking, Jane Goodall
– Artists: Leonardo da Vinci, Ludwig van Beethoven, Frida Kahlo, Cindy Sherman, Pablo Picasso
– Athletes: Michael Jordan, Serena Williams, Usain Bolt, Simone Biles
– Leaders: Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Jr., Angela Merkel, Michelle Obama
– Activists: Rosa Parks, Malala Yousafzai, Greta Thunberg, Alice Walker

Embracing Ordinary Life

While extraordinary achievements can be inspiring, an ordinary life can provide its unique benefits. We can also find happiness in our everyday lives by focusing on personal well-being, relationships, and meaningful experiences. Striving for perfection and constantly comparing ourselves usually does not help with our personal growth and may even make it more difficult. However, embracing our imperfections and learning to be content with who we are can lead to a deeper sense of fulfillment and wellbeing in the long run. I think many of us can relate to having a mindset of wanting ourselves or others (such as children) to be extraordinary. How do we achieve satisfaction in not achieving extraordinary living and feel fulfilled with ordinary living?

Celebrating Authentic Photography

One photographer I stumbled upon, Sol Libsohn, took unconventional photography that captured the ordinary daily lives of those around him. His photos often broke many photography “rules,” such as people being partially cut off from frames. He was self-taught, and his style of photography was his own. The photographs told an engaging story to viewers that was authentic and captivating. Allowing ourselves to have such freedom from rules can unleash creative expression that we may have distracted artists from discovering. His work has been an excellent example of embracing ordinary life (figure 1).

Many people have come to embrace photography of ordinary life, which I think could be considered even more special in this generation due to societal pressure to have perfection, follow a certain path, and that your work must be what they want instead of what you want. There are so many options now for editing photographs or using artificial intelligence to do all or most of the work for you. This makes it easy to lose sight of our authentic creativity, and this type of work could become rare if not extinct.

Cindy Sherman’s “Untitled Film Still #17”: A Lasting Impact

Another photograph that emphasizes this type of photography appreciation is Cindy Sherman’s “Untitled Film Still #17” from 1978 (figure 2), which was part of her “Untitled Film Stills”. This work resonated deeply due to its raw portrayal of a vulnerable, isolated young woman grappling with uncertainty. It boldly challenged conventional ideas of beauty, femininity, and the female gaze, sparking critical discussions and leaving a lasting impact on audiences. Surprisingly, you may even recognize it from the Netflix mini-series “Inventing Anna” which noted the significance of this photo specifically. The point is to keep capturing and remembering those real moments; it is remarkable.

Health Benefits of an Ordinary Life:

Mental and Emotional Well-being

– Reduced Stress: A simpler lifestyle can lead to lower stress levels, as there’s less pressure to constantly strive for perfection or meet unrealistic expectations.
– Increased Happiness: Focusing on the small joys and everyday experiences can foster a sense of contentment and gratitude, contributing to overall happiness.
– Improved Sleep: Regular routines and reduced stress can lead to better sleep quality, essential for both physical and mental health.

Physical Health

– Healthy Habits: An ordinary lifestyle often involves regular routines, such as eating meals at consistent times and engaging in physical activity. These habits can support overall physical health.
– Reduced Sedentary Behaviour: A focus on everyday activities and human connection can reduce sedentary behaviour, which is linked to various health problems.
– Balanced Diet: A simpler lifestyle may involve cooking more meals at home, leading to a more balanced and nutritious diet.

Social and Emotional Well-being

– Stronger Relationships: An ordinary life often fosters deeper connections with loved ones, providing a strong support system and emotional well-being.
– Sense of Community: Being part of a community can provide a sense of belonging and purpose, which are essential for mental health.
– Reduced Loneliness: Engaging in everyday activities and social interactions can help prevent feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Overall Quality of Life

– Gratitude and Appreciation: A focus on the simple things in life can cultivate a sense of gratitude and appreciation, leading to a higher quality of life.
– Meaningful Experiences: Ordinary life experiences can be deeply meaningful and fulfilling, providing a sense of purpose and satisfaction.

Challenges of Living an Ordinary Life:

– Lack of excitement or stimulation: Some individuals may find an ordinary life to be boring or lacking in excitement.
– Feeling of mediocrity: If an individual constantly compares themselves to those who have achieved extraordinary things, they may feel a sense of mediocrity.
– Difficulty finding purpose: Without significant achievements or goals, some individuals may struggle to find meaning or purpose in their lives.
– Social pressure: In a society that often values achievement and success, individuals who live ordinary lives may face social pressure to conform to expectations.

Loving Your Ordinary Life

Loving yourself when you are not achieving what is perceived as great or extraordinary is an important part of unconditional self-love. Self-love can manifest in various ways. It can involve embracing yourself when you make mistakes, learning from them, and celebrating even small personal achievements. Breaking habits takes time, and a good first step is dismantling the unrealistic expectation of being extraordinary. This offers you room to set realistic goals for yourself. All humans make mistakes or lose to others– it is a natural part of life. When you find yourself comparing yourself to others or feeling inadequate, try to challenge the negative thoughts. Remind yourself of your unique qualities, strengths, or past achievements. This can help you to celebrate the wins and even enjoy the unique achievements and success done by others more authentically, even if it means you lose.

If you are not successful, it doesn’t mean you are not trying hard enough. When someone does not know when to give up and disengage, compulsive behaviour can develop. Compulsive behaviour is an irresistible urge, especially one that is against one’s conscious wishes. Substance abuse to calm this compulsion or amplify abilities is one example of something harmful that might be introduced in the hope of achieving. What is success? Is it having glamorous nights filled with people wearing luxury designer brand clothing and taking edited photos for social media? Or rather, is it nights in at a familiar and comforting place with a few close friends, making an authentic connection while wearing pajamas and turning your phones off?

Loving Other People’s Ordinary Lives

It is not only important to love our own lives, but to show others we love them when they are ordinary too. When Jennifer Breheny said this: “When you criticize a child, they don’t necessarily stop loving you, psychologists say; they stop loving themselves,” in her book, Never Enough. This was heartbreaking to me because I felt it to be true. I also believe this easily follows us into adulthood as well. Sure, there are healthy ways to accept criticism, and there is a level of self-responsibility (ie. High self-esteem or healthy coping mechanisms). I believe that it is quite obvious that our competitive culture is the real problem, rather than an individual one. The pressure to be extraordinary is too much for us to have to handle emotionally, no matter how prepared we are individually.

Ways you can Express your Appreciation of Other People’s Ordinary Lives:

Acts of Kindness

– Small gestures: Offer a helping hand, listen attentively, or simply smile at someone.
– Random acts of kindness: Surprise someone with a small gift, pay for their coffee, or offer to run an errand for them.
– Volunteer your time: Give back to your community by volunteering for a local organization.

Quality Time

– Be present: When spending time with loved ones, be fully present and engaged.
– Create shared experiences: Plan activities or outings that you can enjoy together.
– Communicate openly: Share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences with those you care about.

Words of Affirmation

– Express gratitude: Let others know how much you appreciate them.
– Offer encouragement: Provide support and encouragement during challenging times.
– Give compliments: Let others know their positive qualities and contributions.

Physical Touch

– Hugs and kisses: Show affection through physical touch, such as hugs, kisses, or holding hands.
– Acts of service: Offer to help with tasks or chores to show your care and support.

Gifts

– Thoughtful presents: Give gifts that are meaningful and show that you’ve been paying attention.
– Handmade items: Create something special for someone you love.
– Acts of service as gifts: Offer your time and energy as a gift.

Remember

– Consistency is key: Small acts of love and appreciation done consistently can have a significant impact on your relationships.
– Be authentic: Express your love in ways that are genuine and meaningful to you.
– Listen actively: Pay attention to what others need and respond accordingly.

Letting go of the Pressure to be Extraordinary

 It is important to remember that it is okay not to be extraordinary, to be ourselves, and live simply. But this can be easier said than done. This pressure feels like a societal normality, and we are often constantly reminded of this achievement culture online, especially through social media, and in the news.

We must forgive ourselves and others (when justified) when we fall into this mindset and pressure ourselves or others too much. We should also consider our environment and culture, which have progressed into emphasizing extraordinary living pressures on society. By taking steps that help us and others to let go of the tremendous pressure to be extraordinary, I believe we can improve our quality of life and happiness. Our life is our own, not society’s, and we deserve to authentically enjoy it on our terms. 

Our time and energy should be protected by us and our loved ones. Personal growth, positive impact on others, and overall life satisfaction should be just as (or more) important as career milestones or college acceptance letters. Measuring our achievements based on personal milestones can be emphasized in areas such as health and wellness, personal growth, relationships, or mindfulness/spirituality.

The Negative Consequences of Extraordinary Life

While being extraordinary is loved by many, there are many reasons to discourage this way of living. The goal is not to discourage extraordinary achievements entirely, but to promote a balanced approach that values both extraordinary accomplishments and the simple joys of everyday life. This can lead to a more fulfilling and sustainable lifestyle. An extraordinary life can come with significant rewards, but it can also have its own unique set of challenges and consequences. One example of this is when Jennifer Breheny says: “Our kids are absorbing the idea that their worth is contingent on their performance—their GPA, the number of social media followers they have, their college brands—not for who they are deep down at their core. They feel they only matter to the adults in their lives, their peers, the larger community, if they are successful.”.

Potential Consequences of Living or Striving for an Extraordinary Life:

Mental and Emotional Toll

– Increased stress and anxiety: The constant pressure to achieve at the highest level can lead to overwhelming stress and anxiety.
– Burnout: The relentless pursuit of excellence can result in physical and mental exhaustion.
– Isolation: The focus on extraordinary achievements can sometimes lead to neglecting personal relationships and social connections.
– Body Image issues: This is especially common in physical achievements where appearance is important (ie. sports or entertainment). The pressure of achieving an unrealistic body expectation can contribute to developing eating disorders or other damaging actions, such as steroid use.
– Depression and Suicide: In some cases, the overwhelming feelings endured while trying to obsessively achieve the extraordinary can lead to depression, suicidal thoughts, and sometimes suicide. This can be due to many reasons, such as emotional distress, loss of self-esteem, perceived lack of control, social pressure and stigma, and underlying mental health conditions.

Relationship Challenges

– Strained relationships: The demanding nature of an extraordinary life can put a strain on personal relationships, as individuals may prioritize their goals over spending time with loved ones.
– Difficulty connecting with others: People who have achieved extraordinary success may find it challenging to connect with others on a personal level, as they may feel above or different from their peers.

Unrealistic Expectations

– Disappointment and dissatisfaction: Setting overly high standards for oneself can lead to disappointment and dissatisfaction when goals are not met.
– Fear of failure: The pressure to maintain an extraordinary level of success can create a constant fear of failure.

Unethical behaviour

– Bribery: Offering money or other bribes to achieve or maintain something extraordinary (ie. an Ivy League school admission or a better grade).
– Jealousy: This could lead to hurtful actions such as sabotage, gossip, or manipulation.

Loss of Perspective

– Difficulty appreciating ordinary moments: A focus on extraordinary achievements can make it difficult to appreciate the value of ordinary moments and experiences.
– Loss of empathy: The pursuit of success can sometimes lead to a loss of empathy and compassion for others.

What Causes a Desire for Extraordinary Living?

These consequences can be significant; however, they are not inevitable. Some people can balance ordinary living with extraordinary living. This is often due to a healthy support system from family and friends, which is not always easy or common to achieve on its own. The desire for extraordinary living may seem obvious because wanting the fame, money, or status that comes along with it is very common (and a great ego boost for many).

I found it interesting that the reason some may develop materialistic tendencies and the desire for a high social status is not because they love money, but rather because they have underdeveloped emotional connections. The materials and social status act as a lure (in the hope that it will attract people to them) and gain the emotional connections they truly need. I feel a genuine emotional connection will rarely be found this way, and it can be a vicious circle. Not having these basic needs met, as we have learned, can be quite seriously damaging to our quality of life.

Give Yourself a Break

Deliberately slowing down and resting is a luxury everyone deserves and needs. If we don’t give ourselves a break, we may fall into unhealthy or even dangerous coping mechanisms.

 I previously believed that the most important things should receive the most time. Now I realize all priorities are valuable and should be balanced for optimal benefit. Researchers even suggest a balanced approach (rather than unbalanced, as seen in ranking values) to improve achievement. Breaks offer numerous rewards: improved focus and creativity, reduced stress and anxiety, enhanced creativity, improved mood, and better physical health.

 So go ahead and enjoy your break, let yourself relax, and absorb the benefits from it. Even if you feel you don’t deserve it or have time for a break, you do! You must allow yourself and love yourself enough to have this need fulfilled. Extraordinary success can be achieved while maintaining healthy relationships, managing stress, and living a fulfilling life. The key is to find a balance between pursuing your goals and maintaining a healthy and well-rounded life.

What does a Balanced Life Look like?

There are many different opinions on what makes up a balanced life. I think we all need different things and quantities at different points in our lives. Learning how to recognize when and what I need is probably the most difficult part for me. I’d like to share what a balanced life looks like for me, even though our experiences may differ. Please keep in mind that these are never equally balanced for me and fluctuate. I’ve analyzed how I spend my time each week across different life areas. I try to have them adapt as best I can to whatever is going on in my life. Work often provides time off during grief, allowing you more time for self-care. Listen to your body’s needs, even if it means some inconsistency. A balanced life for me consists of four factors:

1. Work

– Generating Income: I value work for growth, learning, and professionalism. It also provides for my life and supports the people I love.
– Chores: Laundry, cleaning, dishes, home maintenance/improvements, preparing lunches, etc.)
Something New: Learning or trying something new (studying/researching/practicing)

2. Taking Care of Others

– Volunteering: Physically contributing/volunteering to help causes I care about. This can also include financial donations if that is a possibility, but I don’t feel it should exempt physically volunteering. For me, this also includes selfless acts in daily life.
– Acts of Services: Taking care of someone who is sick, injured, etc. Complimenting someone. Doing something for someone just because you can.

3. Taking Care of Yourself

– Physical Health: Health, nutrition, fitness, and adequate sleep.
– Emotional Connection: With loved ones and other animals, new people, or making connections with others in daily life. Taking care of your mental health and connections. As an introvert, I value quality connections, especially with my dog, over a large social circle.
– Self-expression: Writing, listening to music, or photography.
– Offline Time: Monitoring or limiting my time spent on social media or the internet in general.

4. Taking a Break

– Downtime: Having no plan/expectations, relaxing, reading/audible books, watching a movie. There shouldn’t be a feeling that there is any goal to reach, but to simply have a break.

What this might look like can be seen in the illustrations below:

Having an Unbalanced life

Competitive culture often can cause social isolation when there isn’t any balance for extended periods. When we prioritize winning above all else, it can lead to a skewed perspective where our peers are viewed as rivals rather than potential allies. Instead of gaining authentic connections, the isolation can breed feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. This pushes us towards unhealthy coping mechanisms like materialism, substance abuse, and even self-harm. Hyper-competitive people are more likely to suffer from anxiety, stress, and self-harm. Anxiety and chronic stress often result from the constant pressure to outperform others, making it hard to find joy in daily life. The pursuit of constant victory can be self-defeating, with high emotional costs and uncertain outcomes.

“The Difference Between 91 and 99 is a Life”: A Powerful Reminder

A statement from Jennifer Wallace: “The difference between getting a 91 and a 99 is a life”. This quote underscores the importance of prioritizing life beyond grades. It is not just a grade, it is a life, which is much more precious. Celebrating others’ wins becomes difficult when it implies your failure. Though common, unhealthy competition shouldn’t overshadow the benefits of healthy competition. Having a healthy competition involves: focusing on personal best, respect for opponents, fair play, positive attitudes, and sportsmanship.

Healthy Competition Can Be Beneficial

Motivation: It can motivate individuals to work harder and achieve their goals.
Skill development: It can help individuals develop new skills and improve existing ones.
Confidence building: It can boost self-confidence and self-esteem.
Teamwork: It can foster teamwork and collaboration.
Stress relief: It can provide a healthy outlet for stress and anxiety.

What I’ve learned

Give yourself and others permission to fail, to not have control, to not be perfect. Loving yourself and others in this state is just as important as loving during wins, controlled situations, and perfection. Be a reminder of your values, unique qualities, and personality traits. Treating people differently based solely on their achievements, performance, or popularity can warp our sense of what matters. It implies an unfair hierarchy, which should not exist. Sometimes, when we make a mistake, it can feel like people love us less, maybe sometimes it’s true. This causes a desire for perfectionism and a bad feeling of being unlovable when imperfect. This is something we can work on as a society to improve our mental health.

Is Ordinary Living Truly Extraordinary?

I believe we should embrace ordinary life and accept others, fostering a healthier society. Ken Robinson’s quote, ‘Gardeners don’t make plants grow, they create optimal conditions,’ resonates with me. For society, ‘optimal conditions’ mean realistic expectations. While this may seem like giving up opportunities, it’s crucial for our mental health. This can be challenging because we may feel like we’re sacrificing opportunities for perceived financial security. This mindset can be isolating and anxiety-inducing, creating the fear of failure if you don’t achieve extraordinary things.

Is “Extraordinary” Really Worth It?

Being mindful of the impact of these standards on your mental health and others is especially important. Loving ourselves and others, and embracing ordinary life, brings relief from the pressure to achieve extraordinarily. It can foster a healthier society by diminishing obsessive competition. By embracing ‘The Benefits of Embracing Ordinary Living Instead of Extraordinary Life,’ we cultivate a society valuing individuals beyond external achievements.

The most extraordinary thing I ever did was to live an ordinary life ordinarily.

– Michel de Montaigne

Like this read? Check out Relationship with Yourself: A Guide to Cultivating Mental Well-being to explore the many other ways to improve your relationship with yourself.
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